Hi. You probably know me as hellohahanarf from my years of commenting around the world wide internetz, yet never having a blog. Well my friends, that has changed. Welcome to MY site.
You were all so wonderful yesterday and the day before. Thank you.
I have great news to report. Thursday evening I called my friend’s house. While my hands weren’t physically shaking, I kind of felt as though they were. Her husband answered and instead of normally talking to him like I always have, I asked for my friend. He began to tease me a bit (“Becky? Wow, I think I remember a Becky.”), although he eased quickly when he heard my voice quiver as I admitted I deserved that. The words “I am calling to tell her how sorry I am” brought a flood of tears that I certainly didn’t mean to unleash so it was a struggle to steady my words.
Turned out she was at a meeting so I had time to compose myself. Until my phone rang. Hot tears of frustration at myself for being such as ass burned my eyes and streaked my face when I answered. I tried to say how sorry I was for being a crappy friend and how much I loved her, how much I missed her. Thing was, she cut me off. Wouldn’t hear of any apology.
Yet her voice was gentle. And was there a little happiness that I heard? Dear Lord, is she truly happy to hear from me? I don’t deserve this.
Seconds into the phone call it was as though I had never been so stupid to not answer phone calls or emails. Minutes went by and we were waist high in major life issues. No more tears, just friends trying to solve all the issues in our lives. For 58 minutes and 12 seconds. And it felt like no time at all. It felt good. It felt right. In fact, it felt so comfortable that we agreed to get together Friday evening for a few hours while her husband is out with the kids. Although I do hope I get to see them as well.
I don’t deserve such an easy forgiveness, yet I am grateful for it.
Just as I am thankful for all of you holding up a mirror for me to look into while you encouraged and supported me. Thank you doesn’t even begin to cover it, but that is all I have. Thank you.
P.S. When we hung up, I realized that I felt as happy as I would if I hit the lottery. Great feeling. Wish I could explain how my brain jumped to this video…
Might have been the fact that Aunt Tinkle Tom Tom made me a delicious PB&J when I was over earlier today (or it could be that I am batshit crazy).
Oh! Another great thing about Thursday…I had the pleasure of spending time with Cousin Sarah for a bit. Got to hold one week old baby Donnie Jordan and have Aunt Tinkle Tom Tom make me a sammich with Jif’s creamy goodness. All while wearing one of the Straight Not Narrow shirts I love so much…so much that I own three. (Yes, I did also buy one for my “get used to it” aunt. hehe)
Recently I have made a few really, really stupid decisions in an effort to spare my heart. For me, Denial is not just another river in Egypt. Problem is, as much as I try to hide or ignore people or things in an effort to “stay strong” I will never actually find the strength to just fucking deal in the first place if I don’t admit that there is a fucking problem. Dealing and acceptance are the only things that will make it all better, not hiding.
Huge, heavy sigh.
To anyone who listened to “Clearly You’re Retarded” last night, thanks for letting me say something that I have never said before. While I certainly didn’t expect that show to play shrink for me, I am glad I was apart of it. And I appreciated the gentle mirror, held up for me to look into.
I will do my best to make my wrongs right. If I can’t, I have no one to blame. If I can, it is because the others are much better friends than I deserve.
Speaking of friends, I really am grateful for all of you. Very thankful that you are in my life.
In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. Terrific concept…
“Well you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
I am raising my tall, cool and gloriously golden beverage to the thought. In fact, I raised quite a few beers tonight. (Hey, sometimes a girl gets thirsty!) Bowling on Wednesdays is fun, I admit it. Plus it is a terrific excuse to drink beer. AND it just so happened that I won the 50-50 raffle which pocketed me $91. Wahoo!
Best part? After bowling two games normally (111 and 112) I switched to bowling like a kid. You know, walking to the line, squatting a bit and whipping the ball between my legs. Was having fun, laughing and doing rather well. My favorite not young woman (I don’t know, late 50’s or way early 60’s maybe?) asked if I could bowl like that backwards. Seeing as how I don’t give a shit about our average, I mean, our team is named “I’m Just Here For the Beer” for a reason, I went for it. Cracking up I walked to the line and turned my back on the pins. Bent over and whipped that fucking ball down the lane. Son of a bitch if I didn’t get a strike! Crowd went nuts, clapping and hollering. I’ll never do it again, but damn it was fun. (That game ended around 105, I think. Scores don’t really matter to me on this league. Magic Hat #9 beer matters, though.)
Get home and take off the clothing, as usual. Grab the computer and head outside in the dark. Tune into Britt and Adam’s talk show on Talk Shoe even though I am a half an hour late. Call in to debate cloning. Decide that although before today I have never wanted to reproduce, tonight dammit, I wanna mini me. No gene input from anyone else, just me reproducing via cloning to make a baby Becky. That is my story and I am laughingly sticking to it.
ANYhow, in the chat room HoosierGirl couldn’t believe that I was sitting in my backyard naked. So this HNT are the quick photos I snapped with the cellica phone to prove that I was nakey in the yard.
(Click to enlarge a bit)
Here is the same photo, swapped to black and white.
Hope Sybil Law and Sarah of a Child’s Romance decide to do HNT this week. Sarah has posted lovely photos a few times already and I do believe she really enjoys your support, yet Sybil has been understandably hesitant to post for HNT. Took me quite a while before I bought into the idea so I certainly don’t want to pressure Sybil, but knowing how much fun I have with it I just want to officially tell her to say “what the fuck” and do it. Just don’t show straight on hoo ha and it’ll all be good, Sybil!
Oh! Can’t forget to tell you that Turnbaby has a gorgeous photo up today. Damn! Play ball!
On a different note…if you haven’t clicked the Ovarian Cancer button to read about the surprising signs, please do. So many early detections are missed because the signs aren’t well known.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved just about all things sexual. Any time, any place. His hand or my own. Watching others on video or live. And print. Oh, how I love the photos.
Certainly I never thought I was some sexual pervert or nymphomaniac. Although listening to a good friend tell how she never fantasizes about anyone other than her husband, how she has never masturbated, how she is only aroused with a partner…well, it got me to wondering if there was something wrong with me because our views were so drastically different.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that Britt is so firm in her beliefs and feelings, even if they don’t mirror my own. I love that Adam can say so many things that I consider over the top. Especially when they talk porn! (Should you need the show page, you can find it HERE. And somehow they manage to stay on topic! If you aren’t listening to “Clearly You’re Retarded” you are missing out.)
Then Hilly wrote before speaking. And all was right with the world. Because she spoke for me as though she was my clone or she could hear my thoughts.
The record should show that when it comes to sex I don’t need validation from friends. Yet for some reason Wednesday evening I loved reading what Hilly had to say on the topic of porn specifically and sex in general.
If there was ever a day for girl blog crushing, today would be that day for me. Hilly is so outspoken about so many things, which I have always loved. That topic though? I am the tree, she is the Lorax. And she speaks for me. It is so nice not to have to waive my freak flag for once. Waive it high, Hilly!
In a brilliant marketing effort, Karl was kind enough to post a photo of my boobs on his site. (Can you read the sarcasm there?)
Plenty of folks logged into Blog Talk Radio to hear our show, Hilly was kind enough to call in, DutchBitch was in the chat room even though it was close to midnight her time and the entire thing was all around fun. If you were there, thank you. If you weren’t, you missed a few fun stories. (One involved me naked in a hotel hallway, we rehashed Karl’s Whackin it, Jackin it and Peeing on the floor adventure and another story involved Hilly throwing up on a poor young man who wanted nothing but to pleasure her. That last story actually made me break out into real life “hehe’s.” Hysterical. Especially when she gets to the shoe in the dog shit.)
If anyone has tried Butt Monkey beer, please tell me what you thought of it in the comments.
Although I am not a fan of my recorded voice and I was kinda tipsy, you are welcome to listen to the show in the archives:
Blog Talk Radio sucked ass for me during Fab’s show. Part of the way through my chat froze and wouldn’t let me comment.
Later, I called into Turnbaby’s show to discuss The Rules (which I had never heard of and therefore didn’t really have much to say except, “Bitches, keep it real.”) and the new Sex & the City movie (which I haven’t seen).
All in all, it was a good evening of internet radio and chatting. You guys are awesome. Thanks again for being you.
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Now about that good cause! Well, I will have to get back to you when I have more info. I am trying to pack for Omaha and get the dogs together and slack with Blog Talk Radio and I need to get the correct details and blah, blah, blah. (Sorry!)
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OH! I need you to all know how excited I am to have received this:
Dawg’s blog is one of my favorites and it is always a thrill to see my name on his page. (This was my second time!!) Might sound silly to you, but I love that something that I wrote stuck in his head enough for him to write about it.
