Couldn’t Post This on the First

Ξ April 5th, 2012 | → 9 Comments | ∇ alcohol, guest posts, humor, ramblings, tickle my funny bone, train wreck |

Some things are so outrageous that you think they can’t possibly be true. Yet they are. There is no way I could post the following on April 1st because no one would have believed it. Hell, I waited almost a week and yinz still might not believe it. Regardless, here goes…

My former coworker and I are still friends. He doesn’t work more than 10 minutes from our office and we will meet for drinks or sometimes another coworker and I will go to his camp for a night away. B is always full of stories about one of his employees, Tank. Usually when we meet at happy hour Tank joins us and I can assure you, the man is, how shall I say this…well, Tank is not the average bear. He is young, smart, funny, attractive, outgoing, and batshit crazy. His brain just doesn’t quite work the way same as most people. Tank’s stories always result in tears running down my face. Or my jaw hanging open. You never know when I’ll hear about Tank showing up in a limo, drunk, eating pizza at 4 AM on a night when one of the guys has a flat tire or some such insanity. Honestly, he is incredibly similar to the fictitious Twitter account DadBoner, but Tank is 100% real. (And technically homeless as months ago he moved out of his apartment, but not into anywhere new. An email from B: “One of Tank’s quotes written on the dry erase board right now is “Homelessness is the key to personal wealth – I’ve never had so much money.”)

About a week ago B emailed me that he thinks he made a mistake sending Tank and McBane on a work related trip out of town together. I received forwards of texts and emails:

“The two of them are traveling together. RW is spearheading the certification process. This is a listing of the texts I’ve received from Tank since the end of work yesterday:

McBane Packed for a fortnight (in regards to a picture of McBane with about 42 outfits on a hotel cart) (7:13 PM)

Dude, McBane just choked out RW. His tongue was literally sticking out of his mouth (12:38 AM)

Seriously (12:39 AM)

I’m never traveling with McBane again. (12:55 AM)

McBane loves Pepper, but he hates cinnamon (7:13 AM)

Everything I’ve said about him so far is absolute truth (7:15 AM)

He called the front desk last night because he lost track of which of his pillows was the “medium” firmness (7:17 AM)

That afternoon I received an update:

“McBane and I are pretty much the most unprepared people at this thing, but we’re really not sure what we need to do next. I just looked over at him and said, “so do you think we should start hammering this packet out or what?” To which he responded, “McBane has a deuce on deck that would choke a heifer” and he got up and stormed out of the room.

This is the worst.”

Did I mention that McBane is not much better? Oh yeah, that.

I received no more emails regarding their antics, so I kind of forgot about it. Until the next morning, when this popped up in my Inbox:

“Nothing from Tank, but I received these from McBane this morning:

Do you think Tank is going to be mad when he wakes only to find our curtains are decimated and on the ground and the mini fridge is laying next to him in the bed. (6:57 AM)

Our room looks like when they wake up in the hang over. Tank may have a monkey in his bed. (7:06 AM)

I’m pretty sure there’s a small Asian guy in the closet. Tank said he was making to much noise. (7:09 AM)”

Personally, I got nothing more until Friday. Then an email from B…

“Tank never came back to the hotel room last night. They were supposed to check out by 10:00 AM. McBane couldn’t get a hold of Tank and assumed the worst. It turns out, he hooked up with some girl and stayed at her place. The girl went to work and Tank went back to the hotel and he and McBane packed up and returned to this girls place (Tank had plans of staying the weekend there while McBane meets his brother in another part of town). McBane was looking around the place and seen a bunch of pet toys. He inquired upon what type of pet she had and Tank looked around and screamed in terror “Oh my God, we’ve lost the housecat.” They’ve searched everywhere and can’t find it. In an effort to find either the cat or a picture of the cat (Tank couldn’t remember what it looked like), they ransacked her place ripping apart closets, boxes under the bed, dresser drawers and the like. The place is now in complete disarray. They eventually looked outside and have found both a grey cat and a black & white cat. Being as Tank can’t remember what it looks like and never found any photos, he grabbed both cats and threw them in the door and they left. He’s just going to pretend like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about when/if she calls him to see why her place is ransacked and either a) she has an extra cat or b) her cat is missing and two strange cats are now living there. I can’t wait to hear how this turns out!”

Followed up with one more from B…

“Update: I just spoke with McBane. Apparently she had no idea McBane was going to be hanging out there (he was going to hang there with Tank until 3:00, then go meet his brother), so while they were searching for the cat/cat photos, McBane thought it would be real funny to mush all of her underwear into his pocket so that she would think Tank was a total perv and stole them. So now, she’s going to show up at a ransacked place, with either one extra cat, or two extra cats less her actual pet, and all of her underwear gone. I kept telling him to get out of DC and come back here so they don’t get arrested. McBane just kept laughing screaming “it’s all on Tank, she doesn’t even know I exist” while throwing underlings out of the passenger side window and Tank is driving in the background yelling “shut up dude, get rid of those f’n things. We both made a pact to never speak of it again. This isn’t even funny. Not remotely.” I can’t wait for more phone calls!”

I don’t doubt a word of any of this. And I find it all hilarious. Sadly, I’ve heard nothing else. Maybe B will leave a comment here with an update.


9 Responses to ' Couldn’t Post This on the First '

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  1. B.E. Earl said,

    on April 5th, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    Hmmm…hilarious? Yeah, I guess. Except for the woman whose place was ransacked, panties were stolen and who may or may not have her favorite pet anymore. Imagine that happening to you? Then it’s not so hilarious.

  2. on April 5th, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    this is EXACTLY why i don’t bring strange men back to my place. well, that and i am not that easy.

  3. Sybil Law said,

    on April 5th, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Man, i know at least 3 Tanks. I thought everyone did!!

  4. Megan said,

    on April 6th, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I need to know what happens next…

  5. Miss Britt said,

    on April 6th, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    This business trip needs to be a movie.


    And I need to know how it ends!!

    I can’t decide if I want to meet Tank or not…

  6. martymankins said,

    on April 7th, 2012 at 12:05 am

    I’m telling you, it sounds like they were trying to make their own version of The Hangover. If anything, they have found themselves a prank that may be funny to some, but maybe not so funny to others (like the hookup girl)

  7. Ginamonster said,

    on April 12th, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    no, but you’ll let strange women crash in your hotel room… I happened across those pictures last night. All I could say, was, Oh My.

    It sounds like you have quite an interesting cast of characters in your world. I’m glad I can count myself among the less dramtic!

  8. Sarah said,

    on May 1st, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    This made me laugh out loud!

    Just what I needed to read.

  9. on August 13th, 2012 at 7:06 am

    I’m informing you, it appears to be like they were trying to create their own edition of The Hangover. If anything, they have discovered themselves a nuisance that may be crazy to some, but maybe not so crazy to others (like the connection girl.

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