Rilke

Ξ December 17th, 2011 | → 7 Comments | ∇ mom, ramblings |

“I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart; try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms or books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers; they cannot be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. You will then gradually, without even noticing it perhaps, live along some day into the answer.”

~ Rilke

The above was something Mom gave me ages ago, a piece that never got framed, just got shoved in a box and moved around a bit. Even somehow survived the flood in 2004. Fortunately the print and mat are wrapped in plastic so the dust and dirt of the years doesn’t seem to have impacted the piece itself. I found it a week or two ago and have read it at least once daily. Considering that my dear Aunt Sue is dying and today I head to Florida for a few days to hang out with her for the last time, this BE PATIENT and LIVE THE QUESTIONS NOW is hitting pretty close to my heart. The heart that is breaking for my cousin Jane because she soon will know this awful feeling of not being able to pick up the phone and hear her Mom’s voice. That is the worst for me…to not have Mom at my fingertips, to see me calling and happily answer any silly little thing I needed or wanted to know; to not be in my corner always.

 

This photo was taken about 10 days before Mom died. Aunt Sue is the one with the gorgeous silver hair, behind Mom. Before Mom had chemo and the cancer really took over, the two resembled each other a lot.

Aunt Sue loves the Lord and has lived a very happy life with Him in her heart. I am told she is looking forward to no longer being in pain and having the pleasure of gazing upon His face. Her faith and strength thrill me. But dammit, I am selfish and want her wonderful self here. I want to be happy for her, but my heart hurts. It hurts so hard.

And yet there is also a huge hurt that goes deep down to my core because I really want to ask her to tell my Mom a few things. Mostly that I am sorry for not being a better daughter while I had the chance.

Fuck.

 

 

7 Responses to ' Rilke '

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  1. Megan said,

    on December 17th, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I’m glad you have the chance to say goodbye to your aunt. Ask her to tell your mom what you want to tell her, but trust that mom already knows what’s in your heart and that she wouldn’t have wanted you any other way than just what you are (were).

    Mourning is for the living, my darling. It’s OK to be sad. And be happy that you were blessed with your Aunt Sue.

  2. Sybil Law said,

    on December 17th, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    I’m so sorry for you and your cousin – I’ll definitely say a prayer – right now- for everyone.

    I have a absolute feeling in my heart that your mom thinks you were the best daughter ever, and she probably couldn’t even think of how you could’ve been better.

    I love you!
    xoxo

  3. Lisa said,

    on December 18th, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Oh Becky. I can’t imagine your mom thinking you were anything other than the perfect daughter for her.

    I’m glad you get this time with your aunt Sue. It’s a gift to be able to say goodbye. I’ll be thinking of you, and sending you love. XOXO

  4. Miss Britt said,

    on December 18th, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Oh, Honey. I’m squeezing you so hard in my heart right now. I know it’s not enough to make this not hurt, but I’m doing it just the same.

    Love yew.

  5. Tiffany said,

    on December 19th, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I’m so, so very sorry. (((HUGS)))

  6. martymankins said,

    on December 26th, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Catching up here. HUGS to you. I have a photo of my mom and I together weeks before she passed. So I know the memories and thoughts and feelings that this kind of photo brings up.

  7. Becky Irwin said,

    on October 6th, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Beck I was googling a recipe for fresh mozzarella and came across pioneer woman. Scrolling through the comments I found my very own cousin, YOU! Which led me to your blog. This is a really sweet post about mom. I’m so glad you got to come see her last December. It meant the world to her. How Wonderful to spend time with you at her 4th of July memorial too. We all miss our moms in unison now, but they certainly left some awesome girls who will always have each other. Love you, kitten! Xoxo
    Becky (the elder) :)

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