Stupid Bitch

Ξ April 20th, 2009 | → 12 Comments | ∇ humor, me |

I’m not sure which one of us is the stupid bitch. Maybe we both are. All I know is my little cousin Re (Twinkle Twat) can get me to do just about anything just by asking and throwing in a “C’mon!” Normally I don’t give a shit about peer pressure, don’t care at all what others do or don’t want me to do. But there is something about when Re wants me to do something…I lose my fucking mind and do it.

Maybe it is because I was 10 years old when she was born and she was better than any stuffed animal or baby doll. Beautiful and happy, always wanting to snuggle like a little monkey. Just a perfect little kid. If she was fussing she immediately stopped when I held her. When Aunt Mare attempted her first shower with Re and Re’s older sister it didn’t go well and I came running to the hollered word HELP. A sobbing toddler was handed to me and I will never forget how great it felt for little Re to cling to me and stop crying while I held her and dried her off. Perhaps I still want to make her happy, I don’t know, but I’ll do just about anything she wants.

Example? A few years ago our cousin got married in Virgina, near DC. I drove Re’s truck (Ford Ranger 4×4) the entire way. When we arrived at our hotel we were hungry. And thirsty. We left the hotel and found a pizza place, but couldn’t find liquor store or beer distributor (in Pennsylvania you must go to one or the other for anything containing alcohol). Re gets the brilliant idea that we should go through the McDonald’s drivethru and just ask the person behind the microphone where to buy booze. “C’mon.”

Damned if I didn’t shrug my shoulders and say ok. The truck was filled with laughter as we sat in the line, but we all immediately straightened up when it was our turn at the microphone.

An extremely accented voice rang out, “Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?”

“Umm. No order, thank you. I was just wondering if you could tell me where the nearest liquor store is.”

“This is McDonald’s, may I take your order?”

“I understand this is McDonald’s, thank you. Could you tell me where to buy booze?”

“No booze here. THIS IS MCDONALD’S.”

“I am not from around here, but I can clearly see that this is McDonald’s. I don’t want food, I want to buy alcohol somewhere. Do you know where I can purchase alcohol?”

“MA’AM, THIS IS MCDONALD’S!”

“Look, I understand that this is McDonald’s, but I just want a damn case of beer. Where the fuck can I buy beer in this town? Seriously, all I want is beer. Help me and I will leave you alone.”

“MA’AM, THIS IS MCDONALD’S. WE DON’T SELL BEER.”

“For the love of all that is holy, do you ever drink beer? If so, where do you buy it? Help a girl out. Please. Where do I buy a case of beer?”

MA’AM, THIS IS MCDON…”

“STOP SAYING THAT!”

Right about now the SUV in front of us, which has been bouncing with laughter this entire time as they obviously heard the exchange, has a woman lean out and happily holler back at us, “Just at the corner is an ABC Store. They will have some of what you want and can point you to anything else. Have fun!”

We pulled out and around, gratefully expressing our thanks to the SUV couple, then headed down to the corner. The store held just about everything we wanted and we spent entirely too much money there. As we headed back to the truck I told Re she was an asshole for getting me to ask that poor English as a second language guy where to buy booze.

“We should go back and tell him where to buy alcohol in case anyone else ever asks. C’mon…”

“Heehee. OK.”

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12 Responses to ' Stupid Bitch '

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  1. whall said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 2:58 am

    Dang you smile awesome.

    whall’s last blog post..Saturday whallitics

  2. Miss Britt said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 5:35 am

    AND she’s adorable.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..If all bloggers start writing posts like this, the Internet will probably go the way of the 8 track.

  3. Avitable said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 7:04 am

    Next time you go to McDonald’s, just say “Operation Blue Thunder” into the box, and they’ll present you with a booze menu. It’s a secret.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Yearbooking yourself is not a euphemism for nutshots in your yearbook

  4. Sybil Law said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 8:36 am

    I swear to you I have done the same thing – only, those people told me right away!
    Your adventures are way more fun than mine!!! :D

    Sybil Law’s last blog post..WTF?!

  5. Nanna said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 8:40 am

    YAY!!!

    And Britt’s right. Re IS adorable – but then, so are you

    Nanna’s last blog post..News Flash: Husband Fears Activist Wife

  6. Finn said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 10:21 am

    I love friends like that… even better when they’re related to you.

    And why wouldn’t she be adorable? It runs in the family!

    Finn’s last blog post..Perfect

  7. delmer said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    How hard would it be for PA to get on the drive-thru bandwagon? You should contact your congressperson.

    delmer’s last blog post..Careers

  8. Twinkle said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Funny how you mention NO WHERE in there that you tried to KILL your little cousin last nite, dancing like an asshole while DRIVING!!!!!!!!

  9. martymankins said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 11:36 am

    Look at those two girls in the liquor store. BTW, your boobs are bigger than hers, but not by much.

    martymankins’s last blog post..Scooter Sunday – Season 2 Ep. 01

  10. lizhill said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    LOLOLOLOL

    I so wish she could make it back in July

    lizhill’s last blog post..I Do Doodles–A Review

  11. TMWW said,

    on April 20th, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    What a wicked awesome story. My sister and I are like that. I was 16 when she was born and it was like having my own personal baby doll. I love her to pieces. She does shit like that to me all the time and there is just no way I can deny her anything.

    And Avitable – I am so trying the “Operation Blue Thunder” at McDonald’s next time!

    TMWW’s last blog post..Green Giveaway!


  12. on April 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    whall -
    why thank you, darlin!

    britt -
    she totally is adorable. in so many ways.

    avitable -
    now that you told me the secret, are you gonna have to kill me?

    sybil -
    i love that you have done the do anything to secure booze routine!!!

    britt’s mom -
    you are the best. simply the best.

    finn -
    i really am blessed with family that i would pick as friends if we weren’t already related.

    delmer -
    impossible. pennsylvania is fucked about liquor laws. drives me crazy.

    twinkle -
    you bring out the asshole in me?
    (and, for the record, fergie TOLD ME to put my hands in the air. will.i.am…drop a beat now!)

    marty -
    you were looking at our boobs!

    lizhill -
    she is pretty bummed that she can’t. although there is always the fall when i have to go back to maker’s mark in order to by bourbon from my barrel. maybe we’ll come bother you again. hehe

    tmww -
    thanks for making me feel like i am not alone! glad to know that you and your little sister get along so well.
    (how long do you think it will take the police to show up when you and i are hollering operation blue thunder into the mcdonald’s drive thru mic?)

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