Ξ April 20th, 2009 | → 12 Comments | ∇ humor, me |
I’m not sure which one of us is the stupid bitch. Maybe we both are. All I know is my little cousin Re (Twinkle Twat) can get me to do just about anything just by asking and throwing in a “C’mon!” Normally I don’t give a shit about peer pressure, don’t care at all what others do or don’t want me to do. But there is something about when Re wants me to do something…I lose my fucking mind and do it.
Maybe it is because I was 10 years old when she was born and she was better than any stuffed animal or baby doll. Beautiful and happy, always wanting to snuggle like a little monkey. Just a perfect little kid. If she was fussing she immediately stopped when I held her. When Aunt Mare attempted her first shower with Re and Re’s older sister it didn’t go well and I came running to the hollered word HELP. A sobbing toddler was handed to me and I will never forget how great it felt for little Re to cling to me and stop crying while I held her and dried her off. Perhaps I still want to make her happy, I don’t know, but I’ll do just about anything she wants.
Example? A few years ago our cousin got married in Virgina, near DC. I drove Re’s truck (Ford Ranger 4×4) the entire way. When we arrived at our hotel we were hungry. And thirsty. We left the hotel and found a pizza place, but couldn’t find liquor store or beer distributor (in Pennsylvania you must go to one or the other for anything containing alcohol). Re gets the brilliant idea that we should go through the McDonald’s drivethru and just ask the person behind the microphone where to buy booze. “C’mon.”
Damned if I didn’t shrug my shoulders and say ok. The truck was filled with laughter as we sat in the line, but we all immediately straightened up when it was our turn at the microphone.
An extremely accented voice rang out, “Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?”
“Umm. No order, thank you. I was just wondering if you could tell me where the nearest liquor store is.”
“This is McDonald’s, may I take your order?”
“I understand this is McDonald’s, thank you. Could you tell me where to buy booze?”
“No booze here. THIS IS MCDONALD’S.”
“I am not from around here, but I can clearly see that this is McDonald’s. I don’t want food, I want to buy alcohol somewhere. Do you know where I can purchase alcohol?”
“MA’AM, THIS IS MCDONALD’S!”
“Look, I understand that this is McDonald’s, but I just want a damn case of beer. Where the fuck can I buy beer in this town? Seriously, all I want is beer. Help me and I will leave you alone.”
“MA’AM, THIS IS MCDONALD’S. WE DON’T SELL BEER.”
“For the love of all that is holy, do you ever drink beer? If so, where do you buy it? Help a girl out. Please. Where do I buy a case of beer?”
“MA’AM, THIS IS MCDON…”
“STOP SAYING THAT!”
Right about now the SUV in front of us, which has been bouncing with laughter this entire time as they obviously heard the exchange, has a woman lean out and happily holler back at us, “Just at the corner is an ABC Store. They will have some of what you want and can point you to anything else. Have fun!”
We pulled out and around, gratefully expressing our thanks to the SUV couple, then headed down to the corner. The store held just about everything we wanted and we spent entirely too much money there. As we headed back to the truck I told Re she was an asshole for getting me to ask that poor English as a second language guy where to buy booze.
“We should go back and tell him where to buy alcohol in case anyone else ever asks. C’mon…”