How AFV Almost Killed Me
Ξ March 31st, 2009 | → 10 Comments | ∇ me, tickle my funny bone, Uncategorized |
A few years ago I had been running and running hard. Work, parties, travel, volunteering all Saturday at a charity golf outing, etc. Life tends to move fast all at once and I was balls (breasts?) to the wall enjoying life. It was exhausting.
Sunday finally arrived, but I had promised a good friend that I would work for her about an hour away in Ohio, at the Shaker Woods Crafts Festival. Once again I got up entirely too early, got my shit together and hit the road. It was a long and busy day, but I loved it. The drive home was pretty, one of those perfect August days that others describe better than I ever could.
Puppies were happy to see me when I got home. I didn’t even bother changing out of my dip shit Shaker costume (yes, we have to dress in period clothing while working), instead I fed the dogs, flung the back door open for them, grabbed a bowl of crunchy green grapes (also known as “dinner”) and headed for the couch. Instead of going outside after they ate, the boys came and stared at my bowl of grapes. Flipping through the channels I found America’s Funniest Videos. Mindless television is a great way to end the day.
And then it happened. Thirty two groin hits in forty seconds. There is nothing funnier than people falling down. When they get nailed in the crotch and then fall down? Hysterical.
Except I had just bitten into a grape. A really, really juicy grape. At the beginning of the groin hits montage. I couldn’t breathe. Nothing in. Nothing out. No sound. Nothing. I inhaled in laughter and was now choking. Concertrating on not panicing I glanced at the TV. Folks were still getting hit and falling down, I was still laughing on the inside, but I was pure silence.
I closed my eyes so that I would quit looking at AFV. My mind raced to images of the cops showing up because a neighbor got tired of the barking dogs outside. The cops would come in and find me dead, but at least it would be quick enough that the dogs wouldn’t have eaten my flesh after days of no food. Oh shit, my house is a mess. I can’t have the cops seeing my apartment such a disaster. Perhaps I could vacuum quickly before I pass out. That is just silly. And I don’t want to die. Maybe if I go outside and get into the street someone will see me and call 911 instead of running me over. Fuck, I am still wearing this outfit from Shaker Woods. Just don’t pass out before you get outside. Stay strong. Get to the door. Get outside. Door open. Step through it.
But I was so weak from the lack of oxygen. Not graceful me combined with lightheaded me tripped. I flew forward, knocking into the porch railing. And accidentally giving myself the Heimlich Maneuver.
Not even kidding. I impaled myself on the railing and the grape flew out. Standing there on the porch, coughing and gasping and sputtering, I couldn’t believe I wasn’t dying.
So many aspects of my life remind me that my negatives are in fact sometimes my saving…wait for it…my saving grace.
See, I have grace! Just not gracefulness.
