Rough Day
Ξ May 11th, 2008 | → | ∇ mom |
Mother’s Day is difficult when your Mom has died. There is no picking up the phone and confirming plans for the day. I have no dinner to buy, no present to agonize over. Really, nothing was ever enough anyhow. One little present, a few “special” hours one day a year…I mean, how do you thank the woman who dealt with morning sickness, labor pains, dirty diapers, being a single mom, exhausted days of work at her job followed by work at home, a stubborn self during my terrible twos, my rebellious self in my teen years, my living with a man she couldn’t stand and prayed that I wouldn’t marry, my ending a relationship with a man she adored, me lashing out at her during the flood clean up instead of barking at anyone else simply because deep down I knew that she had to love me no matter what…
I miss her. I really, really do. And no matter how much I ramble on here I won’t be able to properly convey the tightness squeezing my heart, the closing of my throat as I try to breathe when the hot tears fall. If only I knew how to get over my feelings of loss, the feeling of being alone even when surrounded by a room full of people who love me. I just miss her. And dammit, I hate that the word “miss” doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling. On one hand I desperately want this feeling to ease, yet on the other I would feel that I was doing Mom a disservice if I ever cease to feel this pain.
May all of you who are able to still hug your moms have the ability to do so today. Even if it is a long distance hug over the phone.
To those of you whose moms have already past, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Really, I am.
on May 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
*HUGS* It’s hard to be left behind. It truly is. But great moms don’t like it that we’re sad, so to honor your mom, do like I do… make a dish that she taught you to make and while you’re eating it, remember some of the really amusing things she did. Pretty soon you are eating and smiling… My mom was always happy when someone liked what she cooked. And she didn’t like to see anyone unhappy or without a smile. I think those are two pretty general things for most moms. They don’t like us to be sad. So remember the happy today Becky… cause I think your mom would want you too.
on May 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Thanks for putting so eloquently into words what I, too, have been feeling today.
*big hugs your way*
on May 11th, 2008 at 11:40 am
This is a very touching post. Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful person. Nothing I can say will make you feel any better but please know my thoughts are with you.
on May 11th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
win - so true, so true. mom certainly always wanted me to be happy. thanks for the reminder. hugs right back at cha.
shiny - i hate that you also know this feeling. sending lots of hugs right back to you, my dear sweet shiny. i bet your mom is so proud of the incredible man that she raised.
delmer - i really appreciate the kind comment. thank you. more than you know, thank you.
on May 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I am sending you so much love and hugs right now that I hope you can feel it all the way over there. I actually thought of you this morning when I realized what day it is and hoped it would not be too rough.
If you need to talk at all about anything today, I am here….even if all you want is to laugh.
on May 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Many **hugs** to you today…I hope you find some smiles in your memories; your mom is watching over you with love.
on May 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
My mother died 30 years ago, and I still HATE this holiday. I hate the entire month of May, which also includes her birthday. Because I now have a grown daughter myself, I have to make an effort to be happy today, when I just want to sleep through this whole weekend and the pain that assaults me with every TV commercial. Fucking hate it.
Thirty years, and I still yearn to feel her touch, hear her voice, just one more time. So I know exactly how you feel, and I’m sending you sympathetic hugs.
on May 11th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
My friend just called to wish me crappy mother’s day. Knowing how much this would suck she called to check in. I have had a lump in my throat since this morning when I starting reading some of the ode to mom posts. I am so jealous I could power a city block with the energy of it. Crappy Mother’s day Becky, I’m right there with you in the giant suckiness that is today.
Hugs
on May 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
hill - you are a good friend. i am really looking forward to your radio show(S) today. lord knows you will crack me up.
tug - hugs from tug certainly helps. thanks, o beautiful one.
sj - 30 years, eh? wow, that is a long time. i’m so sorry. thank you for sharing your feelings.
pocketct - we are kinda different on this one. sure, i am a little jealous of those who are able to call or hug their moms today, but honestly i get more mad and frustrated with folks who don’t have a fucking clue how lucky they are. when they get mad at their moms for stupid little shit i wanna shake them and remind them that i would give just about anything to have my mom nagging me about some dumb issue. i wanna slap them and tell them how blessed they are that their mom is there to fight with. i wanna beg them to just wrap their arms around their mom and apologize or agree to disagree. that is what bothers me most about today. and honestly? i love reading the beautiful odes to moms. i am thrilled that folks appreciate their moms.
*hugs* right back to you ct. i hope you get through today with as little pain as possible.
on May 11th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
(((hellohahanarf)))
She may not be here with you physically, But spiritually she is.
Aww, my thoughts are with you.
~ZZ
on May 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I thought about you and your mother this morning. I’m so, so proud to get to know her through you.
Hugging you today.
on May 11th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Whenever I see the title of this blog I think about your post and why it has this name.
It’s hard on those of us here–missing them and their comfort. I often say my sister and my grandmother would be kicking my ass each time they saw me sad at their absence.
yet I know they would want us to remember them–remember they were here and hold them in our hearts still.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}
on May 11th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
zz - i am amazed by how much the internet caring has helped. thanks for stopping by with the hugs. very appreciated.
britt - thanks for the hugs. you are a good friend. mom would have LOVED your spirit and writings.
turn - you are so right about mom wanting me to be happy. and here is how fucked up i am…sometimes i feel guilty for being so selfish and wanting her here. man, i’ve never really admitted that before. but it is true. mom was in such pain with the stupid cancer that i feel downright selfish for wanting mom here for my needs. for when i wanna talk to her or hear her laugh or get her opinion (that i would undoubtedly do the opposite coz i am such a schmuck). i really do need to remember to be happy, to celebrate the fact that she lived. and live she did!
thanks for the love, turn. xoxo
ALL: shiny was brave enough to do a video post today. you can click on his name abouve his comment or check out shinystakeout.com if you want to view it. i’m so proud of him. he lost his mom quite suddenly a few months after mine passed. i really hope that if there really is an after life that somehow our moms got together today for some laughs. i think they would have really enjoyed each others company.
on May 11th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I’ll give you lots of hugs and motorboat your boobs next time I see you.
on May 11th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
well babe I want Laura—-sure –fuck yeah I want her here everyday –all the time —but at around 7AM it’s the worst –we’d talk then and bitch and drink tea and kick each other’s ass and I miss her–I just do.
And that’s okay too
on May 12th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I thought about you immediately Sunday morning, knowing it would be a tough day for you. And no, the “missing” doesn’t go away. At least it hasn’t for you. Who in the hell else loves a person unconditionally like a mom, to whom we invariably feel free to show our worst sides?
Baby, she is soooo proud of you. Believe me, I know.
on May 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I’m so sorry hon. I think losing your mom is hardest on us girls. They are our touchstone, no matter how crazy they make us at times.
I hope you found a way to make your day a bit brighter.
on May 12th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
You know how I feel on this subject! Love ya Becky. Please know that I’m here for you no matter what!
on May 12th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
So sorry for your loss. I know the feeling. This was my 3rd mother’s day without my mom (she passed in April 2006). Her and I were pretty close for most of the years, but we had a falling out when I went through my divorce in 2000. But we had patched things up a couple years later and got very close for the rest of her days. So when she passed, it was hard. She was sick (melanoma), but fought hard. I thought we had more time, but I have no regrets for the time I spent with her.
Thanks for sharing your post with all of us.
on May 12th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
ok, i could have sworn i replied to a few of these already. better late than never:
avit - i would love a motorboat to the boobs from you. LOVE! bring it! but will the hugs be with one or two arms? coz i want two. totally serious. none of that one armed shit. fucker.
turn - reminder appreciated. honestly, yesterday was so much easier knowing that so many others were feeling the same way. sure, i know that lots of folks have lots moms, but being in touch with folks around the country who understood was special. i’m grateful. lots of love to you.
britt’s momma - wow, you hit the nail on the head with the “Who in the hell else loves a person unconditionally like a mom, to whom we invariably feel free to show our worst sides?” thing. me thinks you know me oh so well. and i love that. can’t wait to meet you some day and give you the world’s best hug.
finn - amen! we made each other crazy, yet would defend the other like no other. thanks for the good thoughts. having this internet connection with so many made yesterday much easier than it would have otherwise been.
dvd - thank you, thank you, thank you. love you too, my friend.
marty - my mom also died in april of 06 (wednesday into holy thurday…easter is harder than mother’s day, i think). interesting that my mom and i had a huge falling out over i’m still not sure what when i went through a flood, but thankfully our issues didn’t take years to patch up. sounds like we have some parallel stuff going on coz mom dealt with cancer issues before she died. and i too kinda thought i had more time. i really appreciate you telling me a bit of your story. thank you. can’t explain why, but it helps. it really does. thanks again.