Did That Really Just Happen?
Ξ August 8th, 2008 | → 21 Comments | ∇ humor, me |
The past couple of days I have read some pretty funny drunken peeing stories, one that even had another character sharting herself. Got me to thinking about some of the embarrassing things that I have done in my life…drunk or not. There is no way one little post could possibly hold all of the stupid shit I have done, and yet when I really think about those stories, I find that I am really not embarrassed by them. Sure, at one time I probably was mortified, but life happens, I do dumb shit and the world continues to rotate.
However, even though the world is rotating, I still find it difficult to walk into the veterinarian’s office without at least blushing a bit. I was so embarrassed by an event that occurred a few years ago that I always make sure to get any of the vets in that office except the one that examined Ludo when he was a little over five months old and roughly 45 or 50 pounds.
Naturally I was already having “a day” when I had to leave work early, pick up the puppy and get all the way out by the airport to the vet’s office. (They have been taking care of Reilly since he was a baby and it was natural for me to just add Ludo to their client list. It was simply a checkup appointment, probably with shots or something…but basically in and out.) As usual I was running a tad late, so when we arrived they quickly ushered my flustered self into an exam room. Thankfully I had taken the time to change into wearing old crappy clothing because I was already covered in dog hair. Sigh.
All the rushing to get to the vet’s office and there I sat, without any reading material to entertain me, just sitting there looking at the ever growing puppy. Lou’s parents were rather small German shepherds (dad was 70 pounds and mom was 75) and I had it in my head that as the runt he would top out around 65 or so. Boredom and curiosity started to get the best of me, so I decided to pick up Ludo and place him on the metal table that is also a scale. As you can see from the photo up there, he never minded a bit when I scooped him up, so I bent over, without using my knees the way we are all taught, and gathered Louie in my arms. Just as I started to stand up, ass sticking way out, I heard a terrible ripping noise and midway in my lift I froze in the realization that my ancient grubby pants had split up the back. Fuck. Giggle. Giggle some more.
Ludo was quickly put on the scale and I kept giggling as I took off my long sleeved button down shirt to tie around my waist. (Everyone who knows me will appreciate that of course I was wearing a tank top under the long sleeved shirt.) The puppy did great on the scale so I got him down from the table scale in the way too small, way too hot little room and sat myself down in the little chair awaiting the doctor.
She was a woman I had never seen before…hurried and harried. It was obvious that she didn’t want waste time, that it was the end of her day and she wanted to head for home. In an effort to help speed up the process, I offered to pick up the puppy and put him on the scale exam table. The vet seemed grateful that she didn’t have to crawl on the floor after Lou so I squatted down in the totally incorrect lifting position, again wrapped my arms around Ludo, began to stand up and proceeded to rip the loudest, longest, nastiest, smelliest fart that I have ever let loose. There, in mid lift, I froze. Ass sticking out, puppy in my arms. Frozen. Only my eyes moved, darting from the doctor’s eyes to the puppy and back to the vet. My brain flashed the faintest glimmer that possibly the vet might have thought Ludo was having gastrointestinal issues instead of me. It was painfully obvious that I was the one who blew ass, just as it was painful to stand in mid squat for so long. I stood up, tried not to throw up from the immediate stench, and placed the dog on the table.
Did that really just happen? Can I make it uphappen? At that point I didn’t know what to do or how to act. My cheeks were burning red from embarrassment and I could feel the heat starting to travel to both my ears and neck. Might have been the lack of oxygen, might have been the pure mortifying knowledge that the fart’s ringing was still in my ears as it was probably in the doctor’s as well.
For what seemed like days, we both stood unable to breathe or move or think. Until the doc, with one hand’s back on her nose, used the other arm to gesture towards a light switch on the opposite wall. She choked out the word “fan” and I excitedly flipped the exhaust on. The exam room was so small that the fan quickly took away the odor, but by then it was too late. I could never go back.
Well, at least not to her. In the five years that have passed I make sure to ask for a doctor by name. Any doctor. By any name except the woman’s who was there the day I split, and almost shit, my pants.
NOTE: Yes, the photos in this post are old and I look much younger than I do now. Fuck you. Can you believe that they were taken only maybe 5 years ago? Sheesh, time flies considering that November will bring Lou’s 6th birthday! Ludo now weighs 90 pounds and we aren’t even gonna discuss what I am up to these days.
on August 8th, 2008 at 12:13 AM
“Split and shit”
I love it.
on August 8th, 2008 at 12:38 AM
I could never pick up Buddy like that. He has ‘issues’. You can’t touch his feet or his tail, he wigs out. You should see that scaredy cat around water! My goodness you’d think I’d practiced drowning him when he was a puppy.
But seriously that is pretty much the funniest story I’ve heard about a vet’s office. There are certain vets I don’t go too because they were mean to me about the way I take care of my dog..but never because I let loose. Haha.
on August 8th, 2008 at 8:25 AM
That is awesome. I love that the vet was holding her nose!
on August 8th, 2008 at 8:53 AM
Oh, no! That’s hilarious.
on August 8th, 2008 at 9:20 AM
Oh my God, how cute is that first picture?
hahahahahah – she actually had to hold her nose and turn on the fan?!?! hahahahahhahhahhahahaha
Oh man. So now we know what DOES embarrass the unflappable Hellohahanarf.
on August 8th, 2008 at 9:27 AM
Here I stand all broken hearted,
Split my pants and then I farted.
The Veteranarian knew I had pooed, OH!
So, I could not blame it on poor Ludo.
The Vet told me to get the fan started,
To air out the stench that I had farted.
My face was red, my ears were too,
I was emBAREassed by more than poo.
For not only had I nearly shit,
But my pants had also ripped and split!
The moral of my story is quite clear,
Fart all you want, just not right HERE!
For when you take Lou to the Vet,
You’ll still be emBAREassed, I’ll take that bet!
Funny, funny stuff! The Vets are trained to deal with the smells that come from the animals, but I bet they have a real tough time with the smells that come from the owner! Nice, Narfie…real nice.
on August 8th, 2008 at 9:49 AM
I feel your pain!!!
on August 8th, 2008 at 10:38 AM
delmer -
you forgot ALMOST. very important! i split and ALMOST shit. sheesh, get it right!
sarah -
knowing how german shepherds can be, i made sure, from the first day that i brought louie home, to touch his ears, feet and tail at least once a day. every meal that he ate as a puppy started out piece by piece being fed from my hand for about a handful, then the rest was put in his bowl. and i would frequently stick my hand in the bowl while he ate. he is almost six and at least weekly i will stick my hand in his bowl! and even though he is up to 90 pounds, every once in a while i pick his ass up and dance with him as though he were a child. (especially at parades. it makes people laugh to see him love it.)
avit –
i’m just glad she didn’t throw up. the stench was that bad.
gwen -
at least i realized it was funny that i split my pants. the fart? not so funny. totally awkward. i mean, i play fart tennis with those i know, but ripping that nasty thing in front of a stranger was terrible.
britt –
i know, louie has that i am almost grown up sweet look on his little face. just love that boy.
so glad you are happy at my embarrassment. sheesh! (you know what else gets me? speaking in front of a crowd. yes, me! i can’t do it.)
dvd -
wow. just wow! my favorite part is “The Vet told me to get the fan started,To air out the stench that I had farted.” hehe
fmv -
you of all people would! so, do you wanna tell your crap your pants story as a guest post or will i be telling it? coz i am sure the internet would enjoy your little adventure! hehe
on August 8th, 2008 at 3:55 PM
Oh my God, I would have died on the spot. I can’t believe the vet had to turn on the fan. That’s hilarious…you have to admit that’s good stuff!!!
on August 8th, 2008 at 5:51 PM
Jester had to ask what i was laughing at so hard!!!
=)
on August 8th, 2008 at 7:20 PM
I just read this out loud to Brad—we are truly LOLing!
on August 8th, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Oh my. I hate to laugh about your ass and gas, but that has me cracking the hell up!!!!
Hahahahahaha
Cute pictures!
God, that was a funny story!
Heeheeheeheee
on August 8th, 2008 at 10:49 PM
So I just read your story to Marlo and her husband… I’m in tears. So are they. Good one… lol
on August 10th, 2008 at 12:30 AM
Motley would love it. She has a thing about farts. They just don’t embarrass her.
on August 10th, 2008 at 7:17 AM
lisa -
i still blush and giggle a little bit every time i walk into that office. thankfully i can laugh at myself.
umb –
heeee! love that you also find farts funny. you will be laughing nonstop when i am out there.
turn –
lol!
sybil –
love you laughing. glad i could bring a smile to your wonderful face. and i love the phrase ass and gas. hehe
cuz sarah -
i wanted to crawl in a hole and die, you find it funny. i see how you are! and how marlo & mr. marlo are! hehee
win -
normally they don’t bother me a bit…i find them hysterical. several family members and i play fart tennis together, in public as well as privately. but this particular day it just was so not funny. that woman still looks at me funny.
on August 10th, 2008 at 1:46 PM
OMG!! Holy Shit! Er, I mean. Well, it fits doesn’t it??!!
I’m having a hard time finding the keys to type I’m laughing so hard.
Tooooooo Funny!!
~ZZ
on August 10th, 2008 at 10:06 PM
greeneyezz –
i am here for your entertainment! hehe
can’t believe i didn’t call this post “holy shit” coz i keep giggling at that.
on August 10th, 2008 at 11:25 PM
Now THAT story was funny.
It’s pretty bad when even the doctor can’t stand the smell, as most nurses and doctors are used to foul smells. Not that they LIKE them, they’re just more used to them….
on August 11th, 2008 at 6:24 AM
jeff –
lemme tell you, there was no way anyone could have possibly been used to the smell that quickly engulfed that room. i almost hurled myself! and you know it is bad when the damn dog looks around because he wants to get away from the odor.
thanks for reading and commenting!
on August 16th, 2008 at 2:22 AM
That’s hilarious!
I had a bad farting incident at work once. Thought I was alone on a Saturday. Turns out…no so much. Eeek!
on July 4th, 2009 at 3:15 AM
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